Ever have one of those years when you keep meaning to do stuff and be productive but nothing ever seems to happen?
2012 was one of those years, especially for me. Which isn’t to say I was lazy with my time, I was just unable to be productive nearly as much as I needed to be, which now leaves us with uh, three weeks to the wedding, and our/my first blog post in months.
I did mean to be more proactive than this, I really did, I meant to post funny things and pictures and actual updates and advice on things to see and do while visiting here. And then after a rather hard blow dealt to us in the form of government bureaucracy, the inside of my head just stopped being a nice place to be. My creativity took a nose dive, along with any sense of control I had over everything wedding related, and a rather sizeable portion of my life. Nothing was working out the way it was meant to, and through no fault of our own. Goodness knows I cried enough times onto my mother’s shoulder asking what we’d done wrong, only to be told time and time again, shit happens.
I might be paraphrasing that last part, I think my mother might have said something more consoling than that. I don’t remember. All I remember is the bleakness in my head, and the complete inability to do anything other than the bare minimum required to plan a wedding that may or may not take place when or where we’d originally intended because the UK government are useless.
Basically, in a nutshell of futility, UK immigration decided in 2012 to change their regulations on who and who cannot sponsor their partner/intended spouse for residency into the UK. Where previously there was no issue for us, suddenly we hit a road block in the form of red tape and paperwork which took our carefully laid out plans and obliterated them.
Suns have died with less carnage than the rage and grief that went through my core the day I sat in the lawyers office being told our case would be dismissed over a technicality of where in the world our financial funds came from. Suns died, worlds were reborn in the aftermath, bacteria grew self aware and amoeba crawled it’s way out of shallow waters to grow arms and legs and climb trees to become tribes, fell from those branches and learned the taste of meat which let them derive that E=Mc2 in the time it took for me to come back down from the internal screaming high that shattered through my skull to the resounding mantra of not fair, not fair, not fair, not fair, not fair. And then I smiled at the sorry looking lawyer, thanked him for his time, and cried the whole way home.
And then I tried to get my shit together and stop being so bloody useless because there are a million other things in this world worse than what happened to us. There are people who still aren’t even allowed to marry the people they love because they are the same gender, or trans gender. There are people who are separated from the ones they love by more than just distance. Forever.
Our issue, while a rather big blip in the scheme of our lives, is a rather insignificant blip in the grander scheme of things. I remind myself of this every time I start to feel the rage build, or worse, the tears. I remind myself every day of all the things we have to be thankful for.
But I’m still pretty pissed at my government.
I could continue to wail against the injustice of it, and rant about the futility of the new law and how it doesn’t help anyone. I could scream about it until I’m blue in the face and the stars fall out of the sky. But I won’t.
Because it’s futile.
And I’m tired.
I’m tired of being angry.
My wedding is not meant to make me angry. Of all things it is not meant to make me angry.
So instead I have resolved to become a towering pillar of Zen.
Which is also how it has now got to three weeks before the wedding, and I’m out and about Glasgow with my mother running around shops like a human tornado, leaving chaos, devastation and sequins in my wake.
Because no matter what else, no matter what fucking else is going to get thrown at us while we try to fix our lives, we’re getting married in three weeks.
And I am going to dance like a lunatic.
In the mean time however, I am going to post the backlog of stuff that has been piling up on here. I am going to be productive, I am going to get things done. I will be useful, I promise.